Whisper Lovecraft

From the moment he says he didn’t ask for my company thats when I realize things aren’t the same as it was before. Big changes is happening between us. It may come to a point we aren’t lovers, best friend, friend, acquainted anymore.

I just can’t understand, that if we are both alone, it seems I have a lot of responsibility to him. But if we are in groups, he can’t talk or get along with me. As if I wasn’t there all day and night.

If we were both alone, he is very sick, tired, burden, bored…etc. but if he is with others o my he is very happy, overjoyed, alert, really gentleman.

What’s within me? it just makes my tears falls down to my chick that breaks my heart.

He say his death is near for he has unhealthy body and always tired, he would dream of his dead relatives and spooky stuffs. Well to his knowings, I am sure I’ll be the first one to lay down in the coffin, for I have physical burden which I believe I contributed alot to our relationship. I feel my body is dying and aching inside that as time goes by I am use to the pain it brings me. I’m not clamoring anymore for no one hears me even my family. I hope one day it would not come to a point that I will fall surprisingly.

Physically, mentally, emotionally I am dying slowly.

His hugs are the only one left I have felt I need to stay and be alive.

He is not already my companion, my partner in crime. He never share his plan, he has throw away our plans. He has never ask me abiut my plan.

When he is finished and made his plans and decision, thats the time he would ask me what will be my plan, as if he wants us to be on separate ways. As if he wanted it early as possible for I am just hindrance.

This time I fully understand that he no longer thinks of me nor care nor loves me.

Ok he has already plan for next year and sad thing is that I do not belong to his plans.

I know in his heart that he wants to be with his fried flat bread, because with her, he so happy and enjoys life positively – “law of attraction”. He will be inspired and will have more money and they could travel the world especially in Hawaii and Paris and many places they like.

Well he doesn’t want me anymore for I am boring and stupid.

I our relationship, All I did was to care and love and give myself in..but what else could I do if he doesn’t feel real love, he even has zero attraction towards me.

I have to let go even it hurts me painfully. I still carry I big baggage I thought this would end but I was wrong, instead it triples my big baggage to carry on.

I have to go home. I have to feel my presence in my own family for I feel invisible here in my independent life.

Why do I ahve to be jealous when I don’t have the right anymore? WHy all those approaches he have for others are very nice, a gentleman, very heroic, full of energy, vigorous, talkative shares, having planful futures. While his aproaches towards me is that he makes me feel dumb, no use, overreacting, no plans, boring and all bad aspects.

I think he no longers want my company anymore while me I am tired of providing. He wants to lighten up the room, and why is it if there is a chance for the 2 of us he separates and find ways to go away, worst thing is he wants to sleep and sleep and sleep when he is with me. I mean he always feel tired and sleepy. While on others he is very active and energetic.

What will I supposed to do, it looks like I am invisible for when I am with him I feel like I am still alone.

I now know what is my disposstion in his life. TO be there and act as manly and womanly at the same time.

I don’t know how long my body will last long, I feel tired and dead. I am very very to sensitive to all utters and makes me feel dumb and numb.

I have to let go of this or I would lost my mind, for I can’t take it anymore. This life is full of unfairs and grief.

I had mention to him he had spoken he loves me, but he didn’t remember. And what I have in mind is that I think it wasn’t for me or it was just a spell of words from a motionless mouth. This is the time I now know that when he speaks when he is half awake, it was not meant to be or it is not supposed to said and feel the emotions from the word.

He said he loves me when he is half awake resting. I guess he is so tard. I didn’t know what to response but just said I love him too.

I cannot be as jolly as it can be like before. For everytime I make moves or do say something, join in some discussion and have some jokes THEN, (yes a big THEN!) if I make something which he doesn’t like or for him it was wrong he then have a frown in his face..his eyebrows meets its point. Which I don’t know what to react. I mean people around does not see anything wrong why does he have to frown at me? What’s wrong on that…what’s wrong on those???

It seems that I miss myself in the past..always laughing..having jokes…going and walking talkatively…and now in order for me not to receive frown face, I would just be still and keep quite so that he may be at peace.

He thinks I’m quiet, reserve and not people person. It was a shocking for him to realized I had laugh a loud, talk to much on the phone with my best pal. See? he forgets who I am and how I make my other of side of friends happy and amaze. My friends would usually say I always laugh around and talk simultaneously. I remember one of my close guy friend who had describe me as jolly person, this guy really knows me..but to him he would always say I am quiet and don’t talk to much..I get the answer why it was really opposite. It’s because he never gives me a chance to allow myself to fit in the group and take my jokes as jokes. He never let’s me be but instead he wants me to hold my moves or tongue..it looks like he wants me to deliver my speech to him first and had his approval.

The point here is…I laugh and enjoy myself in a conversation but there he is frowning secretly if he thinks I am over the fence which actually I’m just within the backyard. And I hate seeing that everyone enjoys while he frowns secretly at me because he doesn’t like my words or story lines…why what’s wrong with me? why can he not appreciate?

Everyone enjoys while I can’t enjoy myself. For if I will enjoy by the end of the day in just one conclusion he would say, why am I so laughing loud, saying that why which make like a hore or flirty.

That’s why secretly I wanted to go out with other set of people to enjoy myself and laugh as if it has no end and we could have smart conversation at it’s most compatibility.

With this word ‘compatibility’ I may want to consider we don’t have that anymore.

I can reach already his points of views in life…we don’t share much of brilliant and factful ideas and plans..

Maybe this is part of letting go and moving on..

Oh Lord, please don’t let me dream about him if it won’t be happening by tomorrow or on other days to come.